This blog is kind of like my pet fish…I always forget to feed him, and yet every time I look in his bowl, he is still swimming.  This site is still hanging out in the inter webs…I just need to FEED IT!  Easier said, than done.  I could list an obscene amount of excuses as to why I haven’t written, or I could just post an adorable photo of the reason my boobs will sag for the rest of my life and my nipples are pretty much numb:

DSC_0064I need to write more.  It is a constant struggle to make the time…sort of like finding the time to workout (except I actually LIKE to write)…I just need to wrap my head around it and do it. Anyway, let me tell you about my kids…

They are amazing.  I love every minute of being a mother.  And it is everything I thought it would be and more.  And if you aren’t a mother and plan to be, you will read this and yearn to get knocked up as soon as possible.  And if you already are a mother, you will agree with me and keep all the stuff no one talks about to yourself.  But I’m here to tell you that even though it is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I have never felt more unlike myself in my entire life.

1.  Pep talks to myself are a must.  I give them before going to the grocery store, to family members’ homes, before company comes over, or pretty much before coming into contact with anyone who isn’t my children, husband or parents.  The hormones that come along with postpartum-ism (new word!) are no joke.  The “Baby Blues” are real, and I feel for any woman who heads on into full-blown Post-Partum Depression because just a touch of the blues has me feeling like a nutcase.  I feel anxiety being in large crowds, when someone I don’t know well or see often wants to hold my baby, look at my baby, breathe on my baby or asks me questions about my baby.  This extends even to talking to Nia.  I want to wrap up my kids and usher them away into the house and hug them away from the world.  I find myself wanting to hide, and I don’t want anyone to come into my bubble.  I force myself to allow company over to see the baby, but as soon as they leave, I breathe a huge sigh of relief that they are gone.  Under normal circumstances I am not a hermit…but I spent the last two days leaving the house on small errands with my mom and now I don’t want to leave this house for another week or so.

2.  The Tears are Unpredictable.  I am not a crier.  Yeah, I cry at movies and if I’m angry or if someone I love is hurt or dies…I mean , I’m HUMAN!  But I’m not one of those girls who can turn on the tears when I get a speeding ticket or if I’m just having a bad day.  But now?  I cry because Sammy needs to eat again, or because I can’t sleep for more than two hours at a stretch (because Sammy needs to eat again), or because Nia just wants me to play with her but I can’t (because Sammy needs to eat again).  I cry when Tony asks me if I’m ok…I don’t have a reason to cry.  I couldn’t even tell you what’s wrong.  I just feel like I’m going to cry a lot.

3. Showers are a Luxury.  If you are a new mom and get one daily, please email me and tell me how you are doing this.  If it is because you have a husband who watches the kids for you so you can shower, don’t email me.  I don’t have one of these (see #4).

4. Husbands are no help.  At least mine isn’t.  He is afraid he doesn’t hold the baby correctly or that he will hurt him, or maybe he just thinks that it’s the mom’s job to do everything baby-related until the baby isn’t a baby anymore.  All I know is that my husband carries his laptop around more in a 24-hour period than he does his newborn.  In fact, he has only held him if I’ve asked him to…and he has not changed one diaper.  Some will say this is my own fault for allowing it to be this way…these people are probably right.  But I also know that he plays with my 2-year old like no one else does…so I know it’s only temporary.  Time really does go so very fast…

Regardless of the craziness and the days that are SO HARD, I absolutely cherish holding my children in my arms every second I am able.  My favorite times of the day are Nia’s bed time  (NOT because she is going to sleep ) and then feeding Sam his last feed before I attempt to go to bed.  These two times of the day allow me one on one time with each of them. Every time Nia snuggles into me when I am laying down with her and says, “Mama I wuv you” even if it is only a second before she’s elbowing me in the ear…my heart melts (and I cry, of course).  When she’s finally asleep I tiptoe back to Sammy and rock him and kiss him and breathe him in, because OH MY LORD he will not be this little tomorrow, and if I think too much about how soon this will all be over…I can’t catch my breath.

It is an honor to be a mother…It is all-consuming love to be theirs.