I have a hemorrhoid the size of Pluto in my ass.  I have had them before, but this is the mother of all hemorrhoids.  I suspect it will only get worse after labor…and let me tell you how much I can’t wait for that!  Having a bunch of grapes protruding from your anus is not my idea of feminine…I mean, my DAD gets hemorrhoids, not me!  But, oh, this is my life now…I’m 200 pounds, I have lumps in my crack, I can’t bend over to tie my shoes…and I WADDLE.  Let’s not even mention my enormous gorilla nipples or the cellulite that Tony often refers to as my bags of nickels…

If you think being pregnant is the most beautiful time in a woman’s life, you haven’t seen her naked.  And the pregnant celebrities that flaunt their naked bodies on the covers of Maxim and Vanity Fair are freaks of nature, and if I was a hater, I would hate them…a lot.

I basically just wanted to share these little tidbits of information with you today because, well, while I spend most days gushing about my baby and how I can’t wait to meet her…there is a big part of me that can not wait to pop her out so that my body will stop doing these things that make me look in the mirror and say, “I don’t know you.  And I don’t think I want to.”  Also, I want her to get here because people keep telling me that once she’s here, I won’t even notice all of these other things…

…but how do you ignore the planet living in your butt?

Advertisements