I hear all the time how a mother starts to worry the minute she knows she is becoming a mother…as in…immediately. I remember thinking, seconds after the pregnancy test read, “YES +”…”Oh my God, what if I lose this baby?” And then for the entire first trimester I thanked God every week that I made it that much closer to the second trimester. Now that I’m in my second trimester, I find myself not being able to wait until I get to 26 weeks…since the baby is more than likely able to live if born at 26 weeks. I’m at 23 weeks today…three weeks to go.
Last night I had a dream that I was FINALLY able to feel and see her move (this hasn’t happened yet due to that damned anterior placenta). In my dream, I was yelling out to Tony and my mom to, “Come Look! She’s MOVING!” and then…the elation stopped. I felt a warm sensation drip down my leg and when I looked down, I was bleeding. I woke up and frantically moved my hand up and down my leg feeling for the blood, and of course, there wasn’t any. However, since then (a whole three hours ago) I have an unsettling feeling.
The entire drive to work this morning, I envisioned that I would die in childbirth…I sobbed the whole way here.
I want to think that this fear is normal…that every pregnant woman fears her baby won’t make it, or that something will go wrong, or that she won’t make it. PLEASE TELL ME I’M NORMAL! I suppose it’s that fear of the unknown…I mean, I’ve never grown a person in my uterus before, and I sure as hell have never pushed one out of my crotch! So, I will be 100% honest with you when I say I am scared shitless. And it only seems to get worse, the closer I get to my due date.
Did this happen when you were pregnant? Were you psychotic too? Please…TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!