Things are unraveling fast, and while I think I am handling the stress pretty well, I wonder sometimes if I’m not really just numb. Go ahead, pinch me…I doubt I would even smack you. The truth? I love learning the things that I am learning. I am great at patient care…not trying to toot my own horn here, but I really surprised myself as I’ve worked through this program. I am good at this. I sail through the skills and clinicals and I enjoy it, for the most part. I can imagine myself doing this as a career, and given the right environment, I think I will be happy. If I pass.
The lecture portion of this last semester has been extremely difficult for me for a few reasons: I was sick for the first couple months due to pregnancy, I work full-time and don’t have nearly the time that others in the class have to study, and I am mentally burned out. Crispy, brain-fried, burned-to-almost-ash out. And so, I have failed the first two lecture exams of the semester. Failed. I have three exams and a final left, and there is no room for error. This, of course applies NO PRESSURE AT ALL on my already pulled tight at both ends, frayed and tattered rope! Disappointed doesn’t begin to describe how I would probably feel about myself right now if I could feel anything. But really, I am just sitting down to dinner after eating a big bag of potato chips, and the plate is heaping with food I can’t imagine swallowing. And I lift the fork to my mouth anyway.
Things are coming undone, and I just keep walking along as if everything is fine. I predict that one of these days I’m going to lose it completely. But until then, I keep searching for a job…and I keep studying for tests I may or may not fail…and I keep waking up at the crack of dawn seven days a week…and I turn the radio up louder every night so I don’t fall asleep driving on the way home…and the laundry and the dishes keep piling up…and and I just keep doing.
Seven weeks and one 15-page paper, three exams, one comprehensive final, four skills test-outs, and a final comprehensive skills test out.