If you were wondering whether or not Tony and I are pregnant, we are not. I have been asked by complete strangers about five times in the past two months, which is just a testament to Chunk. I continue to do my best to get rid of that guy, but he just won’t take the hint.
The first month we were officially “trying”, I knew when I would ovulate, and we timed our “baby-making” for that day and the few days surrounding that day. As you know…not pregnant (after two false positive pregnancy tests which, you know, made me want to pee on the manufacturer’s FACE!). The second month we were trying, I decided to start temping to see what all the fuss was about, as I have read on all sorts of Trying to Conceive websites and from various doctors and specialists that this is the way to get knocked up…but no. Not pregnant. However, my period was late last month, and there were other symptoms and strange things that my body was doing…so Tony is convinced that I was pregnant and had a very early miscarriage. May be true…may not be true. Regardless, we moved on to this month.
This month we decided to try a different approach. I am not even looking at the calendar, I have no idea when I will be ovulating (although my body will tell me because I can always feel it happening), and I have no clue when my period is due. I’m hoping that this will relieve some of the stress that comes with the territory, and just maybe this will be our month. (However, we are in the beginning stages of planning our delayed Honeymoon for January…and part of me would love to be thin and drunk during those seven days!)
Truthfully, it gets increasingly difficult to be surrounded by family and friends with their children, and every time I hear someone else’s “big news” I am elated for them…but I can’t help but wince; it’s a blow that knocks the wind right out of me – and every time it happens, I hope no one notices. I love the women in my life who have been blessed with families, and I love those little ones more than I can express. It’s not a case of jealousy in the least…everyone has their own path to walk, and each path has it’s own blessings and obstacles. I wouldn’t wish anything different for my life because I am truly blessed, and I want this happiness that I feel for all the people I love. And sometimes I feel ungrateful for wanting more because when is enough really enough? But I do want more, so I won’t lie about it. And what if just by wanting more, I have to give up something in return? What if it’s some sort of trade-off? What if by being blessed with a child, something awful has to happen?
It may sound ridiculous to some, but I feel like I am pushing my luck sometimes. And so I am working really hard these days to be content with life the way it is. If we never get pregnant, will I be disappointed? Of course. But maybe that is the plan for me, and for the first time in my life, maybe this is a boat I shouldn’t rock…
Tonight? I’m just going to have fun with my husband in our adorable apartment and thank God for everything between my conception and right now. It’s been quite the adventure.