When I pulled into the parking lot of our apartment complex last night, my eyes were immediately drawn to the girl bent over her trunk in the parking spot next to mine.  She was wearing SHORT shorts and strappy, heeled sandals, and she had ZERO cellulite and loooooooonng perfect legs.  The first and only thing that popped into my head was, “Thank GOD Tony isn’t with me right now because I think I just got an erection, and my fragile ego these days would not be able to handle the comparison that would undoubtedly play out in his head. 

Girl bending over – OH MY GOD

My Wife – I love her, but I could do without the thirty extra pounds and the cottage cheese thighs.  But I love her!

Girl bending over – OH MY GOD!

The only comfort I found during the whole exchange is that when I held the door open for her (she was carrying an about-to-fall-over pile of clothes), she smiled…exposing a jumble of very crooked shark-like teeth, and said, “the better to EAT YOU WITH, My Dear!”  “Thanks!”   

You can call me mean or catty or insecure or whatever you want to call me.  All I’m saying is with Daddy Long Legs living in the same building as my husband, prancing around in her barely-there shorts and HEELS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD…it’s nice to know that everyone has their flaws. 

God knows mine are many.  And now you do too.

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