1. When I was potty trained, I had to stand up to wipe myself. I still stand when I wipe my ass, and if I can’t, it doesn’t feel right.
2. I chipped my front tooth on a beer bottle during my “rebellious stage”. I was newly divorced and 23 years old.
3. My “rebellious stage” lasted for about six years. Good times.
4. I have moved 21 times in 29 years. I’m really good at packing, unpacking, and interior decorating.
5. I’m also good at eating fast food.
6. I haven’t eaten fast food more than three times in eight months. Before this, I ate it as much as three times a day. (Update: I had fast food last week.)
7. I would have thought I’d be skinnier now, but not so much.
8. I met a man who mirrors me in all the ways I thought could not be paralleled. He is my soul mate.
9. He was trying to get laid in high school when I was four. I think this is funny.
10. He does not.
11. I enjoy eating dinner foods for breakfast.
12. I used to drink a can of coke every morning. However, I am no longer a slave to my Chunk.
13. The only time I enjoy breakfast for breakfast is Sunday Brunch. At a restaurant. It tastes better when someone else makes it, and I like to stare at all the geriatrics that hang out at Sunday Brunch.
14. My younger brother taught me how to smoke a cigarette when I was 22. It never stuck.
15. I think smoking is a filthy habit that will kill you.
16. I smoke when I’m drunk. I don’t care to hear your opinions on hypocrisy.
17. I am blessed to have the most wonderful parents in the world.
18. My biggest fear is that I will never be a mom.
19. I hate that money is necessary to be content.
20. I hate that a BA is not enough anymore and that I am compelled to be a slave to my education until I have attained my doctorate.
21. I also hate that this will cost over $100,000.
22. I don’t hold grudges. Ever.
23. I think feet are gross except on squishy babies.
24. I will “warm up” to feet if I love the person to whom they are attached.
25. I love most cheese and am eternally constipated.
26. I am a singer who plays the piano poorly, but well enough to write plenty of mediocre songs.
27. Life without passion is not worth living.
28. The stories found in books and movies are my most coveted reality.
29. My age. Also the number of years I’ve wanted to be famous. Now I’d settle for thin and beautiful.
30. Next year this will be the number of years I’ve lived on this earth. This will also be the number of years I’ve wondered what it would be like to be black.
31. I love taking dance classes. I hate that they cost money.
32. When I was in Kindergarten I was a bunny in a “program” that we put on for an audience and my ears fell off. This prepared me for everything that has gone wrong in front of an audience.
33. Like the other time when I was performing and fell down the stairs of the stage in front of everyone.
34. Or the time my heels got caught in the rung of a barstool and I fell face-first into my friend’s crotch.
35. Or that other time when I fell on my ass three times in a row wearing a tiny skirt with a thong underneath. You aren’t considered truly smashed until you’ve flashed your hoo-ha to everyone on Spring Break.
36. For the record, this does not make me an alcoholic.
37. This makes me free entertainment.
38. I’ve learned the value of quality vs quantity.
39. I’ve also learned that all men like Playboy, but good men will make you feel like you’re the hottest Playmate.
40. And you should believe them.
41. Don’t wait for life to be handed to you; simply reach out and take it.
42. People make mistakes and should be forgiven.
43. Big mistakes should not be expected to be forgotten.
44. If things go according to plan, my firstborn will be 12 when I am this age.
45. Things rarely go according to plan.