I can’t stop screaming at people in my head. Let me be clear: I’m not screaming at the people that live in my head, but rather, I am screaming at real ,live people inside my mind so that I don’t do it out loud and lose my job. Because I would. Lose my job. Because the words that I am screaming are not appropriate and I’m pretty sure aren’t part of the approved vocabulary in the Code of Conduct that wasn’t included in my employment handbook when I was hired. Speaking of that handbook, I didn’t get one. I mean, I think the company was all, “let’s be Green and save trees”, but really I think they just wanted us to conveniently forget to look everything up on the company Intranet. Or, in my case, knew I was entirely too lazy.

As it stands, I know I can’t say the things that I want to say out loud because there are some things that are best left unsaid…things like, “shut up or I will cut your hair off with the paper trimmer!” or “How would you feel about my collection of stamps inked onto your forehead for my temporary amusement? Perhaps “DRAFT” would suit you since I’m hoping the improved version presents itself soon!” or “I hate everything you say. Stop talking to me or I will spit on you.”

I suppose, individually, these words are not offensive. But collectively, their message doesn’t reflect the type of attitude conducive to periodic salary increases. They really just reflect the attitude of a 4-year-old. So, I misspoke. The vocabulary is approved. My word groupings are probably not.

In any event, my mind is a constant, “ksduhgkerugnerilushrdgnerio!#*&”