If you haven’t been reading TVFH for very long, you may not know that most forms of entertainment in my life for the past few years have included mass amounts of alcoholic beverages. I’ve been trying to find other, more sober, ways to entertain myself…you know, like watching toads hop through the front yard and mentally begging my next door neighbor to stop sunbathing on his front porch without his shirt. Everyone has relapses from time to time, afterall, I am human. But I am forcing myself to make a conscious effort to conduct myself like a lady and not a 29-year-old Lindsey Lohan wannabe. I mean, I don’t even have $5 in my wallet; I could never pull that off anyway.

This weekend will be the true test of my strength. MISS IS GETTING MARRIED in two months, and this weekend is her bridal shower. What this means is a lot of our friends whom I haven’t seen in way too long will be in town and I will want to celebrate our friendship with shots. And then I will want to celebrate our friendship again with some beer, and then some more shots. And then I will want to show my utmost appreciation for them by falling down at random times on some dirty bar floor to prove how I would humble myself for their love.

But? Just to see how it feels? I think I will drink water instead. I’m curious to know what it feels like to not be the one falling off barstools and falling on my ass in heels and a miniskirt. I think it might be a bit exhilerating to be just as put-together at the end of the night as I was when I left the house. And what will I do with the entire next day when I am USEFUL and not completely hung over chowing down on greasy fast food? I think I might actually enjoy something like that.

Of course, I am saying all this now, and Monday morning you will probably all be reading about how I gave an outstanding performance on a make-shift stripper pole for a free drink. Or how Tony left me in the hands of my friends because he needed to hurry home to pack all my belongings for my trip to THE REMAINDER OF MY LIFE AS A SINGLE CAT LADY. But my intentions are good, so place your bets if you wish. I have a good feeling about me (this has absolutely nothing to do with that glass of wine I had before my commute to work this morning).