This week, people have been directed to TVFH by Googling these things:

1. Brunswick baby drowned in sink by boyfriend

I don’t recall EVER discussing this on this website, but let me take this opportunity to address it right now. This message goes out to all women who are pregnant and don’t want to be: Do NOT give birth to your baby in the toilet and then drown it, or smash it over the head and put it in a garbage bag, or let your boyfriend “handle” the situation by drowning it in the kitchen sink. My email address is on this website. Use it. I will come to where you are and help you. And the first thing I will do to help you is screw your boyfriend’s penis into the wall with a power drill. You can watch, if you want.

2. Anger management always yelling at home

There is nothing wrong with a little yelling if it done in a loving, constructive way. Or! When you are all the way in the upstairs bathroom and the only other person in the house is in the basement and there isn’t any toilet paper left on the roll. It is also a natural human response to be angry at times, and when this happens the acceptable response 97% of the time is to breathe deeply 3 times before taking action. This gives the other person adequate time to lower their defenses before you crane kick them in the face.

3. How to manage a complaint box

Build a box and write “Complaint Box” on it. Then make a sign that reads, “Suck It Up and Stop Being Such a Little Bitch” and display it next to the Complaint Box.

4. Can a squirrel carry a corn cob

Yes.

5. How do I know if my uterus is falling

You will know if your uterus is falling if you look down and see it on the floor. But you will probably know if this is going to happen before it actually does happen because it will feel like someone is sanding your insides with a cheese grater. If I sound like an experienced professional it is because I am one.

6. AAA-cups

If your tits are this size do not be ashamed. Do not let your girlfriends make fun of you when you are trying on clothes in the fitting room, and do not let men tell you that you are not as sexy as Jennifer Love Hewitt because she has two baby calves shoved up her shirt. You are smokin’ hot. Like Bon Jovi without the chest hair.

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