I am eating chocolate chip cookies for breakfast because this is what a person does when the only thing available at home to eat is string cheese. And I already ate string cheese for lunch yesterday. And dinner. And I’m telling you the truth when I say that if I eat another floppy little string of cheese I hope it aggravates my uvula until I throw myself into a coughing fit and then I choke to death to put me out of my misery. Because all I really want to eat is something that doesn’t fit in my purse or in a desk drawer or in my pocket. I want a meal

Oh, I know what you are going to say: “Nikol, you don’t look like you are starving.” To which I will reply with a very mature and high-road-walking, “Bite me”.

I know I’m not starving, you mean-hearted bastards! I’m just sick of being in a hurry and never having the time or energy to go grocery shopping or to make a home-cooked meal. Actually, there’s no time for laundry or painting or gardening either. Shit, I need a wife! (uh, Tony? I’ll buy you a little maid outfit…what d’you say?)

Anyway, aside from pity parties and drinking, I have been spending mucho time studying. And do you want to know how much that isn’t paying off? Let’s just say that I am going to have to stick my arm so far up my ass to pull out a B in Anatomy that I’ll be able to aggravate my uvula without the cheese.