As I have written many times before, (and by many, I mean every other time I post) I am in the process of losing some weight. This is weight that has been accumulating over the past six years due to drinking enough alcohol to make me do things I would regret if I could remember the humiliating details, binging on enough fast food to make my heart stop during strenuous activities such as standing up, and being depressed and unmotivated enough to lay on my living room floor watching a chain of movies repeatedly until I was convinced that I was a character in one of them…okay in all of them…until the moment I couldn’t take the sloth anymore and I would say, “that’s enough of this pity party, you silly girl! Let’s go to the bar and drink with some hot men!” Then, of course, the vicious alcohol-food-hangover/movie cycle continued on. It’s a hard lifestyle to break yourself of, you know. There are some very appealing aspects to such a life. Here are three:
1. Spending money on sexy clothes for nights out and then scoring free drinks on account of the sexiness. In case you aren’t aware of the definition of sexy in this particular context, it means, “to wear clothing that hugs Chunk a little too tight so that he oozes out of random openings in clothing. This is hard to resist for the male sex when they are intoxicated…it reminds them of bread dough and somewhere in their subconscious they are imagining that you will be the epitome of domestication and make them dinner every night. This is irresistible.”
2. Not having to cook. Ever. And if you do decide to cook, it is easy to make mac & cheese every night. Also, if you go to the “value” grocery, it is possible to buy a box for 25 cents which leaves all the leftover money you would have spent at the “real” grocery to buy beer instead. Awesome.
3. On hangover days, it is not necessary to shower, get dressed, put on makeup or do your hair because there is no one in your apartment except for you and Chunk (and he thinks you look amazing and very stylish). These days are reserved for imagination wandering and grazing with no one there to criticize you when you shovel two double cheeseburgers, one large fry, a chocolate milkshake and two apple pies in your face in a matter of seven minutes.
1. I realize now that sexy is not defined by what I had originally thought, and sexy clothes only look good sans Chunk. Also, I’d rather spend my money on my phone bill that is chronically late.
2. I forgot how much I enjoyed cooking. REAL food. There are always leftovers which saves money and gas because I’m not driving through the drive-thru every day. Also? I poop a lot more without all the mac & cheese.
3. I don’t smell like a cigarette butt that has fallen in a glass of Bud Light. This is a good thing. This is a great thing, actually, and I feel much better about myself when I am not wearing yesterday’s makeup. Also? I still lay around in my cozies, but I am doing it with someone, and he doesn’t have to watch me inhale enough garbage to overflow a landfill…he just has to watch me smile all the time.
These are reasons enough to want to be healthy and lose weight, don’t you think? Anyway, my point to all of this is that in the last month and a half I have lost ten pounds. I have at least twenty more to go, but I am forcing myself to only think in ten pound increments. So for the next ten, I have joined a motivational exercise that is being offered at work. I join a team, pay $10, and then have 10 weeks to lose 10 pounds. If I am successful I win back my money plus split the money from the people who didn’t lose the weight with the other winners. It’s an incentive for a healthier me.
Who am I kidding; I just want to win money.