Because I know that my mouth has a mind of its own, I have spent quality time living in my own head, focusing intently on being aware of what I let come out and what I strap down and muzzle. I voice my opinions when asked, and oftentimes, the delivery is not conducive to the listeners’ liking. And yet…if my opinion is not solicited, I am silent…and when I am silent, I am told that I need to communicate…and when I communicate I piss people off because it’s not the sweet way they would like for me to communicate.
Please don’t misunderstand me…I’m not condoning my cutting words that slice through the heart like a razorblade. I’m only saying that this is a difficult skill for me to master, and it is going to take time. Having said that, sometimes I truly believe that the things I say affect people in such a way that they want to spit up my left nostril…not because of the delivery…but because what I said is true. Honesty isn’t always a warm hug…more often than not it’s that slap in the face that wakes us up to the life standing right in front of us.
I make mistakes just like anyone else. I can be mean and I can twist sarcasm in such a way that the knot threatens to never untangle; I am not proud of this. But I also know that I do not feel complete unless I am taking care of someone I care about…unless I allow someone into this labyrinth of emotion and passion and strength and weakness…in where the beauty that God created coexists with the ugliness that I pile on like thick makeup every day. And when I let someone see this in me, there is nothing that I wouldn’t do to make them feel worth it…worth the risk of being hurt, worth the biting back and forth and the screaming silences…worth every second of uncomfortable. Because they see me and they think I am worth it too.