1. Raw vegetables give me indigestion and are not very quiet when I bite them. I keep burping up broccoli and my stomach is twisting itself into a knot. It’s like I’m a horse with colic, except I don’t think it would go over well if I started thrashing on the floor and rolling in the shredder paper. And I don’t have a tail.

2. Tony burned his fingers on the metal piece of a lampshade this weekend because the light bulb was too hot. I couldn’t stop laughing, and actually, I am giggling about it right now. When I finally caught my breath, I said, “it says on the box that the light bulb gets very hot.” I don’t think he was very appreciative of my excellent reading thoroughness.

3. I was 30 minutes late for work this morning and I didn’t even care. Sometimes hitting snooze 539 times is so worth it.