I want to write an advice column…you know, on account of because I know so much about advice, like on dating and how to spread one month’s living expenses out over 2.5 months and how many days one should wait before calling to tell the landlord that it was you who broke the dryer. OR on account of how much I THINK I know about advice. Actually, I think I just want to write an advice column because I enjoy telling people what to do, and when they whine about their problems, I feel an overwhelming TUG to just spin them around and point them towards the door whispering into their ear, “just DO THIS ALREADY!” I think I have much to offer those in need…so now I just need some needers.

I can’t be the next “Miss Manners” because I don’t know that I have the tact it takes to be such a woman. But with all the unsolicited advice I’ve been given over the last 28 years, I think I can muster up some good stuff for those who actually request it.

So…ask away…but let me preface this whole experiment by saying that you might like what I have to say, but you probably won’t. So consider yourself warned, and don’t run away crying like a little bitch. In fact, I don’t want to be responsible for your bruised egos, hurt feelings or all-around negativity…so let’s just entitle this experiment, “If Chunk Were Real, He Would Tell You to Shut it Too”…wherein advice is given by my fat roll. That way, I’m off the hook.

Send all emails to Ifchunkwerereal@yahoo.com.

If I get any bites, I will of course post it all over the internet. Feel free to write-in disguised as someone else to protect your identity. In fact, that might just make things more interesting…