I am 30 pounds overweight. Is there more to say, really? Funny you should ask…

I have decided that I am going to hide in my apartment over the course of the next month and wear out the carpet where I will be working out in between trips to the refrigerator where I will allow myself to open the doors only to find it completely empty because only skinny people deserve to eat, Fatty! Then, after 457 jumping jacks, I will microwave one Lean Cuisine and I will chew each bite 43 times before swallowing. And then I will work out again, of course.

The next time you see me in December (maybe January – it takes time to saw off chunk with a Mach 3 razor) I will look like I did before I made it my mission to be the number one supporter of the fast food industry. Also, I might be grumpy on account of all the food deprivation. But if you tell me how pretty I look, I won’t attempt to eat your sleeve.

I know I told you guys that I was going to get serious about this health thing a few weeks ago, but sometimes I am a liar. So if you want to think I’m lying right now, go ahead, but you will just be shocked and surprised the next time you see me and my hip bones are poking you in the eye and you can do chin-ups while suspended from my clavicle. Just you wait…you unbeliever, you.