The downside to not having the internet strapped to your body at all times is that you can not blog when the funniest things happen. Sure, you can write down a note to remind yourself, or if you happen to remember the details, you can type it out later when a computer is near…but I find that it’s never as humorous as the exact moment that it occurs.

However…

Youneedtoknowthissomuch.

Friday on my way home from work, I was sitting on the bus. An old woman hobbled on, and by old, I mean she was going to die in a few hours. Her teeth were missing and she was sucking her gums so that her lips were concave and wrinkled. She used a cane and had on 47 coats. There’s a draft, you know. A few people moved to the back of the bus to give her a place to sit near the front (I love that people do this in the middle of a city where no one says hello to one another. It makes me feel like deep down they really do care about each other). Before she had a chance to sit down, the bus driver took off, and little-old-lady fell backwards into her seat, stumpy little legs flying into the air, arms flailing wildly grasping for anything stable.

And I started laughing.

And I couldn’t stop.

I had to move to the back of the bus, so she wouldn’t see me, and even then I could not stop. I would be okay for a minute, and then the vision of her legs flying up and her scowling at the driver and the noise she made when she fell (“oooh!”) was just too much for me. The giggles came in waves, and the other passengers knew in that moment that I was heartless.

And so I am.

So in keeping with this portrayal of myself, let me proceed to tell the internet about the woman in her thirties who was steering her car with her knee so that she could suck her right thumb and rub her left ear with her other hand…like a toddler. And you think I’m disturbed…

I can’t make this shit up, people.

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