Last night I almost died on the bus ride home. I know you guys think I am overdramatic, but I will pinch your arm fat until you cry.

I am a wee bit claustrophobic, and breathing came about as natural to me as sucking water from a hole in the ground via Twizzlers. There were people inhaling every last available O2 molecule, and there was nothing left for me. I was smashed up against the window, and then I was giving myself a panic attack because I didn’t want any part of my body to touch the dirty window that a gazillion other people had rested their greasy heads on in the course of the week.

I desperately wanted to jump out of my seat, hurdle the chubby guy next to me, and run to the front of the bus gasping, “I! Need! Air! Let me out right here! I don’t care if this is an overpass in the middle of rush hour traffic; I want to BREATHE, DAMN YOU!”

I forced myself to close my eyes and think about other things instead. Although, I can not tell you for the life of me, what it was that I thought about instead. I really believe I died for about 30 minutes and then came back to life when we arrived at my stop.

I don’t think it would have been so bad if I hadn’t been wearing my jacket. I wanted to take it off. Hell, I wanted to jump on the roof of the bus and strip, but I couldn’t even shift my weight in my seat lest the world explode. So I wore my jacket and was tortured for what seemed like an eternity while the sweat accumulated beneath my already malfunctioning armpits. And I wanted to lift my arms and make Chubby smell them, but as I’ve already explained, I was glued to a singular position.

I finally, after mucho conversations to myself regarding not-throwing-up, not-passing-out, and not-clocking-chubby-so-I-can-have-the-whole-seat-to-myself, made it home in one piece.

I opened every window in my apartment as soon as I walked in the door and left them open all night. Because I would rather a crazy lunatic break into my home in the middle of the night than go without air ever again.

(This does not mean it is ok for you to come over and pretend you are breaking in. So don’t do it.)