This morning I finally took the bus to work. I had been putting it off for about a week because, to be honest, I was nervous. Not because of the people or the weather or the lack of control over the moving vehicle…but simply because I had never done it before.
I love doing things I have never done…but I get very anxious for days leading up to it. I have been driving myself nuts over this bus thing for days. And now? No big deal. I even met a new friend with spittle under his lip who talked to me for exactly 9 minutes about the voice of Hemingway.
There isn’t much that is a big deal to me these days, actually. And if you’re wondering why I haven’t been writing, it’s not because I quit the blog again…it’s just because I don’t feel like talking. I feel like I’m not in my body and I’m just floating around watching everyone else move around. Everyone is so busy and chatty and preoccupied and living lives full of activity, and I don’t really think I want to participate in that. I feel like I want to be somewhere else. I have plenty to keep me busy, but my heart is just not in it. I often am tempted to pretend that I am deaf so that no one tries to talk to me. I avoid eye contact with strangers so that I don’t have to exhert the energy to smile at them or say hello. I would prefer it immensely if I was able to borrow Harry’s Invisibility Cloak.
I plan meetings for my boss on Microsoft Outlook. Every time I schedule another meeting, it pops up on his Blackberry, and he attends it because I put it on the schedule. He goes from one meeting to the next to the next to patients to trips to haircuts to dinners…all because I typed it into a computer and then his phone vibrates to remind him where to be next. I feel like someone is doing that to me without the modern technology.
Wake up, go to work, go to the other work, go home, go to sleep. Sometimes there are variations…wake up, go to work, go to music practice, go to sleep…or wake up, go to work, go to Detroit, Pittsburgh, Chicago, go home, go to sleep. I really could use some surprises. I really could do without the schedule and the planning and the I-need-to-be-home-by-this-time-so-I-can-wake-up-for-this…and the I-have-to-be-here-at-this-time-so-I-regret-to-inform-you-that-I-can-not-attend-this-other-thing-that-I-would-rather-skip-out-on-to-sit-in-my-bed-and-eat-macaroni-and-cheese. I don’t want to have to be anywhere. I want to forget what day it is, and I especially want to forget what time it is. And I want to not wake up every morning wracking my brain for incentive to get out of bed. It’s eye opening when the only reason you wake up in the morning is because there will be free cake for your coworker’s birthday.
I want to be excited about something. No. I want to be exhilarated. I want to “get swept away out there.” I want to “levitate”, I want to “sing with rapture and dance like a dervish.” I want to meet Joe Black. Well, something like that.