I know you are all going to be extremely surprised, but I am not going to go out with that guy again. I decided that I already know I’m not that into him, and why waste his time and money. Hell, why waste my time and money? In case you hadn’t heard, I hate dating. My perfect date would be one where I didn’t even know I was out on one…I would just be hanging out with a group of family and friends, and the guy would just be another one in the crowd. Except by the end of the night, he would be joking and laughing with my people and he would just become one of us because he “fit”. We would eventually just become a couple because that is the natural order of things, and not because he took me out for wing night and a movie and asked, “will you be my girlfriend?”

So, once again…I’m done with all that dating bullshit. I don’t have the patience for small talk, and I don’t have the time for a real conversation with someone who will be out of my life in about 4 hours.

I’m going back to school. I think I might be asking for the earth to crumble beneath me and swallow me into a lava-flowing crevice, but it’s true. I’m going to start graduate school in January to pursue a double master’s in literature and creative writing. In order to do this, I have decided that I need to cut corners to save money so that I can pay for this without taking out any more student loans. One of the ways I have found to do this, is to start taking advantage of Cleveland’s public transportation services. That’s right…I’m going to be taking the bus. In two weeks, I will be riding a bus for approximately three hours a day with a variety of the city’s most interesting people. According to my calculations (which could be way off due to my mathematics skills deficiency) I will save roughly $180 a month on gas. This is going to be fun.

They’re giving me six years to complete the graduate program with 2 masters degrees. The thought of being in school for another six years makes me want to throw up a little bit on you, but the idea of moving towards my goals makes me feel accomplished. It’s like a little shot of Pepto Bismol. And then when I think about how much money I need to save, I kind of just want to mix up some brownie batter and scoop it into my mouth with my hands. If you come over later and I’m passed out on the kitchen floor with a spatula to my head and chocolate running out of the corners of my mouth covering my shirt, just step over me. I’ll lick it up later.

3 ways I can save/make money:

1. Charge my new friends on the bus a toll for sitting in the seat next to me. If they refuse to pay, I will sabotage them every day with something new…a melted Hershey bar on their seat so it looks like they pooped their pants, I’ll sleep on their shoulder and drool on them, kick the chair in front of them continuously so that the person in front of them turns around and threatens to kick their ass…I like this game. However, if someone refuses to pay me because they want to slit my throat with their pocketknife instead, I’ll just go ahead and split my profits in exchange for ongoing protection. I’ll have my own personal bodyguard.

2. Exotic dancing. According to my sources, there are a lot of women who pay for their educations this way. I wonder if there is a market for pole dancing in sweat pants?

3. Sell all my clothes to a consignment shop and wear the same item of clothing every day like this woman.

I will leave you with this:

It’s just another manic Monday (whoa, whoa)
I wish it were Sunday (whoa, whoa)
Cause that’s my funday (whoa, whoa)
my I don’t have to run day (whoa, whoa)
but it’s just another manic Monday.

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