1. I don’t get to have my own private stall. Every other reason stems from this one.
2. I can’t poop because someone will hear it plop. And then they will smell it. (Oh, get over it…I haven’t talked about poop in like YEARS…ok, months. Weeks?)
3. I have to walk all the way down to the 3rd floor to the public restrooms where no one I know goes, so that I can swiftly let the waste fly before someone I don’t know enters the bathroom. Then I can pretend someone else’s poop stinks. I like to blame it on the patients.
4. The air freshener scares me every time because it makes a “pooshhh” sound, and then I think someone passed gas in the stall next to me, but no one is really there.
5. There is no reading material…not even “Kevin is a Man Whore” written on the door of the stall.
6. When someone comes in while I’m peeing, they can see my shoes and they start talking to me. Now is not the time!! Leave! Just leave already!
7. I don’t know what, but I couldn’t end on number 6.
Also…I have a date Saturday. It’s a daytime date. We’re meeting at the park and then we’re going to have ice cream. I love ice cream. Any date that involves ice cream has got to turn out awesomely. Yes. Awesomely. Anyway, he’s teacher. Of course he is.
However, in response to my title, I will hate this date because he will say or do something to make me want to eat 5 ice cream cones (this will completely sabotage my workout efforts and I will be forced to punch him in the face and he will dump me), I will drop ice cream on my shirt and he will laugh at me, or he will want to play catch in the park and I will never catch it because I have no athletic abilities beyond the crane kick. Also, because I can’t poop at work, the poop will have changed its mind and refuse to come out and by Saturday I will be very cranky.
Feel free to post your bets on how long it takes me to lose interest. We might as well make my dating experiences into a fun and interesting game for someone.