I woke up at 4:50am. On purpose. I decided that eating spoonfuls of air is not going to work because I miraculously find spoonfuls of pasta entering my mouth. So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will have to rise early to run and run and run and possibly jump around my living room like a 25 cent gumball machine bouncy ball to lose weight. I would rather do this than eat air.

So, I slithered out of bed, put on my running shoes, pulled back my flowing locks (and by “flowing”, I mean gnarled, curly and very puffy), and headed outside to pound the pavement.

It was dark.

I’m not afraid of the dark, but I am afraid of raccoons, and they are known to hang out near the strategically placed dumpsters in my apartment complex. So I hesitantly ran out of the complex onto the main street. It was eerily quiet, and because of this I was startled when early risers on their way to work flew past me. I had thoughts of truckers pulling over on the side of the road to tempt me with caramel-filled chocolates to lure me in so they could strangle me and bury me in the Metroparks where the raccoons would come to eat my remains! And I was ruuunnnnnaaaannnnnggg.

When I returned to my apartment, I was sweating like a Ballpark frank over a campfire, and I thought I might burst open like one, but I didn’t. I decided to attempt to conquer the eight-pound weights again. Now if you remember, these gave me some trouble the last time I tried to be active (contrary to popular belief, this was not in 2001). This time…I still hate them. My muscles were tickling…you know how when you don’t use a muscle often, and then you use it one day and if it could speak it would say something like, “What the hell is going on? Stop it! I don’t work this way! That tickles! Hahaha…no. really. stop it.” Well, that’s what my arm muscles told me this morning. All of them. It was quite noisy.

Then…I did sit ups. Each time my head rose off the floor, I looked at Chunk and laughed. He folded his chubby little face into a smile and laughed back at me like, “Sucka! You’ll never get rid of me! Bwahaha!”

And THEN…I crawled back into bed for 15 more minutes grasping desperately for just a little more sleep.