I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…God is going to strike me down dead, or give me a cyclopse child because I am awful. I crashed a wedding this weekend, and that’s not the bad part. I crashed a wedding this weekend that Nan and her beau were invited to (and I was not). I crashed a wedding where men actually asked me to dance and pushed shots in front of me that I made Nan drink, and I was amazed. I was amazed because when I’m actually invited to weddings…men don’t talk to me. Not even the married ones. However, the two candidates at this wedding who wanted to shake it with me out on the dance floor were two men whom I could not bring myself to encourage. “Dancy Boy” loved to do the Twist, and I think if I wouldn’t have known we were at a wedding and there was music involved, I would have been convinced someone dropped a bee hive in his pants and he was trying to escape his underwear by leaping and girating and “twisting” his way through the song. Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode where Elaine dances? Yeah. It was like that. But worse.

Then “Giant Guy” was taller than my 6’7″ cousin and I think he may have been missing a tooth. I can’t be sure, though, because I was too busy averting my eyes. I was doing my best to focus on whomever was standing behind him because I didn’t want to insult him by looking at the wrong eye. And that is why God is going to punish me. Because I tried to run away from this guy’s lazy eye all night. I will be barren until I’m 53, and then I will give birth to Lucifer’s spawn. It’s inevitable.

However, the night improved greatly when Nan’s boyfriend and his brother had a slumber party with us at my apartment. We made a fort, her boyfriend performed an exclusive once-in-a-lifetime set of original songs on my guitar…in his underwear at 4:00 in the morning. I’ll have to see if Nan will give me a picture to share…it might cost her a relationship. And we were delighted the next morning when the guys gave us a masterful puppet show with my marrionette, Paco.

Good Times.