Sometimes you need to take the opportunities as they come. You may not be thrilled with the options, but at least you have options. You know…the glass is half full.
But sometimes, I just want to casually graze my fingers along the top of the glass and tip it over to watch the bullshit flow in streams across the table. And then I want to walk away while someone else is left to clean up the mess.
I feel guilty for wanting more than what I have, and yet I am certain that I’m not asking for too much. I know that I am better off than many, and yet I am in a constant state of temporary…and this makes me want to pull my teeth out with a staple remover.
While it’s true that I’m somewhat of a “free spirit”…a “wanderer”, I crave something concrete. I want to leave my handprints in the grey matter and transform it into a memory. But I need something, or someone, to ground me so that I don’t trip over my own imagination and fall sideways, leaving an impression I never intended to make. The only two somethings that hold enough weight are a Someone or a Career, and I falter with both.
I read this yesterday through tears, and when I finished, I closed the book and put it away in my drawer:
“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree…
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was… the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was…a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was…
And beyond these were many more figs I couldn’t quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn’t make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”