Dear US Weekly,

Maybe Brit isn’t really pregnant with her second child. Maybe those pics you took of her by the pool were just of her and Chunk. You see, he’s on vacation right now, and I think he said something about visiting her. Trust me, he can totally be mistaken for a pregnant belly!

Dear Britney,

You are a F’ing idiot. I want to love you again. Stop being so infuriating (but stay chubby because it makes me feel better to know you have the money to hire a personal trainer, a chef and a membership to a spa…and you opt to spend your cash on your trashy husband instead. It’s what I like about you).

Dear Internet Surfers,

I saw that you googled “Naked Picture” and were directed to TVFH. Sorry if you were disappointed when there was only a picture of Lazo. I could have posed him in pink lacy panties, but I don’t think he’s really your type, is he. Better luck next time.