So Friday night I was up until 6am because Neighbor Bob and Wife were fighting…all night long. This was no ordinary fight…this was the last straw. I am moving. ASAP.

I had my cell phone in-hand at one point, ready to call the police because I thought he was choking her. She was choking, making gagging sounds…and he was screaming at her. I can’t even repeat it because it was so disgusting I was repressing the urge to scour my apartment and obsessively wash my hands just to feel like the world around me was clean and good. Let’s just say he wasn’t choking her with his hands.

At about 5:30am she told him she wanted him to move out. She went on and on about how he [slept with] her best friend and broke her heart. She cried about how much she hated him. I sat in my apartment hating HER because 10 minutes earlier I had to hear them having sex, and I swear on Chunk that my ears were bleeding and now I’m deaf a little bit. She could have saved me this pain if she would have kicked him out after the “choking” incident. Not to mention I would have gotten to sleep alot earlier.

It is time, my friends. I don’t care how cheap the rent is. I don’t care how cute I’ve fixed up my little apartment. I will give every last penny of my salary to never have to relive a moment like Friday night.

And yet now I’m a little worried about Neighbor Bob’s wife because I haven’t heard a sound from them for the past two nights, and I wonder if he killed her. The only thing I hear when I come and go is Homer barking frantically…and he usually just ignores me. What if he’s trying to tell me something.?

Maybe he’s just trying to tell me to get the hell out.