Along with the positive side effects of oral contraceptives, there come some negative ones. I decided to let my doctor talk me into taking these little Bits O’ Hormones because she told me I could get drunk and screw the entire NBA and chances are I would not get pregnant. Oh wait. That’s not what she said….good thing I didn’t start out on that little adventure. No…she said my chances of looking less like a 14 year-old-acne-plagued-boy and more like a 27 year old woman were really good, and well, I’m going for good here, People. So I started on “the pill”. Let me tell you what has happened so far…
I forget to take them most days which leads to taking 2 at once sometimes. I cry because I don’t want to wash the dishes, and I want to spit up some people’s nostrils because they want to talk to me. Sometimes I laugh and I can’t stop laughing because I trip over my area rug, but then I instantly revert to tears because the light bulb burned out in my lamp.
If this is what menopausal women feel like, I want to have my period forever (the mind reels that anyone in their right mind would say such a thing, but I think we’ve established that I am not in my right mind).
Anyway, I was reading over the informational packet in these mood altering Kill-Me-Now pills, and here are some risks of taking oral contraceptives:
1. Risk of developing blood clots
2. Heart attacks or strokes (if I’m going to have a heart attack, I want McDonald’s to give it to me.
3. Gallbladder disease (this sounds like fun, I think.)
4. Liver tumors ( I felt one of these the other day, I swear it was protruding out of my body. Really.)
5. Cancer of reproductive organs and breasts (everything causes cancer these days)
Furthermore, “all methods of birth control and pregnancy are associated with a risk of developing certain diseases which may lead to disability or death.” (Is this worth having sex with basketball players…I mean having clear skin?)