This weekend reminded me of a watercolor. Everything was blurred and dripping into everything else, and I was the one thing in the middle of the painting that was an actual shape, yet I was a shadow because I didn’t really belong in the painting at all.
I don’t know if I am wanted in the relationship that I thought I was in. I thought I was in a relationship where I would never be lied to. Ever. I thought I was in a relationship where both persons valued Honesty and Trust. And now…I feel like I am a shadow, and I don’t really have a place, like I’m floating on the wall looking for the tangible person I’m supposed to be connected to. You know how Peter Pan used to chase his shadow? I feel like the shadow trying to chase Peter Pan.
Pieces don’t fit, and blame has been flung in my direction over things that I never should have had to deal with. I’ve been made to think that I am over analyzing and overreacting, yet I have done nothing but lay my heart on the line. I’ve expressed every thought, feeling and emotion, and I’ve let truth jump out into the space between him and me even if it had the potential to knock us both on our asses. I took a chance because I have learned the hard way that love can not be built on anything less that complete and total trust.
I knew that a man would not feel comfortable letting himself love me if I was still holding on to ghosts, so I let them go. I let a man into my world, my family and my home. I let him know what I felt when I felt it, expecting nothing in return but honesty. No lies, No secrets, No contradicting stories…just honesty.
In my mind, things are fairly simple…cut and dry…yes and no. When a person breaks up with another person…there is no more “ours”…there is “his” and “hers”. There are not conversations for months where if either one of them is dating someone new, the other one doesn’t know about it. Because how awful would it be for the one who was in the dark to find out that the person they had hoped to get back together with had already found someone new…And didn’t care enough about them to be honest about it. Clean breaks. Honest breaks. Dealing with reality and moving on. These are some of things I believe in. This is not, for whatever reason, what I get.
Instead I have an ex-husband who never told me why he left. Someone who knew for months that he didn’t want to be married to me, yet waited an additional year before agreeing to divorce me. Someone who never told me what I was doing wrong so that I could be aware and try to make compromises. Someone who avoided confrontation because it made life easier for him. Someone who was so self-centered that he wouldn’t stop stroking his own ego long enough to love another person.
Instead I am currently dealing with the fact that people are cowards…and they will lie to cover their own asses, and then blame everything on the person who wants the truth to be known. I’m dealing with people who don’t know how to compromise, or refuse to, because “it doesn’t bother me”. People who don’t stop to think about the consequences of asking someone to “trust you, to love you, to never hurt you” when they aren’t prepared to do the same. Someone who has serious conversations and then claims to “not remember saying that” when confronted with a blatant lie.
I feel like I started a relationship on a canvas filled with dried paint and dark colors running into one another instead of a blank one. And now there isn’t any room for me…and certainly no room for any more paint to flow.
And I have no idea if the painter thinks I am worth starting a new painting.