Dear Internal Clock,

Please stop making me want to sleep by 8pm. It’s screwing everything up. Especially when I wake up again at 9:30pm. What person takes a “little nap” at 8 o’clock at night?? Also, if you are going to wake up at 9:30pm, please fall back asleep by 10…this going to bed at midnight is killing me.

Dear Mouth,

What is the deal with wanting a drink in the middle of the night? Internal clock is already f*&king up the night…the last thing I need is you begging me to drink down a quart of caffeinated iced tea! Please…stop it. I’ll feed you in the morning with Chunk…everyone gets their meals at the same time around here! You are not special.

Dear Snow,

Please don’t come this year. And if you must, please just come on Christmas Eve and melt on the day after Christmas. I don’t want to have to shovel you. Make this my Christmas present. I’ve been a pretty good girl; just ask Santa.

Dear Santa,

Could you maybe make an exception just this once and put me back on the “nice” list?


I would like to report that I do not remember my dreams from last night. I woke up to clean sheets . However, I think I might have a mouse in my apartment, and if this is true, I’m moving out as soon as I get home from work. Who wants a roomate?