For those of you who may not know, I’m referring to the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes”. If I would have known watching this movie would have such an impact on my life…I would have learned how to play poker and changed my name to Idgie.
I was married once, and things got weird, and my husband wanted out. He decided one day that he didn’t want to be married to me, and the thought of being in the same room as me made him want to hurl himself out the nearest window (I would have helped him with this, but I’m not that psycho). He decided to move into his own apartment while we went through marriage counseling. He made up some rules:
1. Nikol can not step foot in my apartment.
2. Nikol can not call me, I can only call her.
3. Nikol and I will see each other once a week, and once a week ONLY. This will be our “date night” and this will help me to not be such a penis wrinkle and become a man.
I am not good at following rules. I broke #2…a lot. And I had to break #1 when I helped the fu&*%r move in (I know…I’m just too kind). #3 was out of my hands, so that was an easy rule to follow. However…He would not allow me to break rule #1 even in a very extreme circumstance.
I was driving home from dinner at my aunt’s house, and I had the sudden urge to poop. I had to go so bad, and my aunt lives out in the country where there are no signs of life, let alone toilets. Asshole’s apartment was on the way to the highway, so I thought to myself, “Self, let’s stop and use his bathroom…he will be up getting ready for work (worked nights), so that works out just great.”
I pulled into the parking lot and rang his buzzer. He came down in his boxers, obviously still half asleep. I apologized for waking him and asked him if he had to work. He said yes and asked me what I was doing there. I told him I was at my aunt’s house for dinner and I was on my way home but had to poop. I asked him if I could use his bathroom. He said no.
He said NO, People! Who says no when their wife asks to use the bathroom??? I said, “Excuse me? No? I’m not going to stay…I just have to go to the bathroom real quick.”
“Why don’t you stop at a gas station.”
“WHAT?! You’re seriously not going to let me use your toilet?”
“Go home, Nikol.”
I started laughing…loudly. Then I started crying. Then I started SCREAMING AT HIM!
“Shut up, Nikol. THe neighbors are going to hear you.”
“Shut UP?! No, I don’t think I’m being loud enough. You can’t give me a reason as to why you don’t want to live with me, you won’t hire a lawyer and divorce me so that I can move on with my life, but you won’t try to fix things with us either. And NOW, you won’t let me shit in your toilet. I would let a complete STRANGER use my bathroom. You are a cruel, evil person, and I don’t even know why I want to be married to you. Hire a f&%*ing lawyer tomorrow, or I will.”
By this time the neighbors were hanging out of their windows listening to every word. I got in my car, backed out of the parking space, shifted into drive, paused.
I drove into his car.
He started yelling something at me, but I don’t know what he was saying. I didn’t care. He stepped inbetween my car and his.
“Move, or I’ll hit you.”
I put the car in reverse, backed up, put it in drive, and drove into his car again.
The neighbors called the cops….nosy bastards. By the time they got there I had calmed down, but Asshole was shaking like a leaf (what a baby…I didn’t hit him). The police seperated us, one with me, one with him. My cop asked me what happened.
“Was there an argument?”
“was there an accident?”
“well did you just misjudge, or back into his car?”
“well something happened. There was a report that there was a fight and a car accident.”
“there was a fight but it wasn’t an accident. I drove. Into. His. Car…on purpose.”
I love this guy…he tried so hard not to smile, but he couldn’t contain himself.
“He wouldn’t let me use his bathroom.”
“is he your boyfriend?”
“No, he’s my husband, and technically the car I hit and the car I hit it with are both in my name, so I hit my own car. Do I want to press charges against myself? No. Not tonight.”
“Miss…what did that prove?”
“Nothing. But it made me feel a lot better.” I didn’t even have to poop anymore.
TAWANDA THE AVENGER STRIKES AGAIN!