Dear Apartment,

Thank you for being so cozy. I had a wonderful time cleaning you and then laying on your floor watching movies last night. (Sidenote: I need new freaking movies. I’ve been through the rotation too many times, and sometimes I find myself wanting to call up these characters to go to lunch. They’re not real. They’re not real…)

Anyway…Apartment, I have one request. Please stop smelling like Neighbor Bob’s dinner! I cleaned every little crevice of you last night, and yet this morning, remnants of barbecue were still wafting through the hallway. It’s cruel. I don’t have a grill, and I don’t have the guts to go downstairs and steal a piece of chicken, so just stop smelling like anything other than the cleaning products I use on you.

Thanks so much,

Dear Self,

Stop watching movies and get your ass out in the world! There is someone out there who won’t run and scream in horror at Chunk, and he will probably even ask Neighbor Bob to give you a piece of chicken. But you will never meet this wonderful man if you sit in Apartment every night.

On another note, Chunk could stand to be a little smaller. If you’re going to stay in Apartment, maybe you could do some situps or something. Maybe give that Mari bitch another chance…do some Pilates, stretches, something? All I’m saying is you’re jiggly.

Just lookin out,
The Mirror

Dear Mirror,

I will smash you into 19 pieces with my spoon while I eat Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie, and then I will have bad luck for seven years just to make you see 19 reflections of Chunk jiggling. You better start being nicer to me. Let me see a tighter ass and perkier boobs tomorrow and I’ll forget you ever wrote me that nasty letter.

Looking forward to seeing you,