I’m sorry, Guy-Who-Picked-Me-Up-With-A-Black-Eye:

I will not be seeing you ever again. You are on crack or something…you can’t sit still and you are rude to random people (bartenders, old men, and doctors). Also, my friends got a bad a vibe from you, and let’s face it…they will be around forever, so their opinion matters.

I’m sorry, Devoted TVFH Readers:

I have been beating off weird men with a stick, so I have had less time to write about my adventures in being single. What the heck is going on around here?! It’s like I’m wearing a “Hello My Name Is Available” sticker on my eye! I have a date with a very handsome police officer tonight, though, so maybe things are looking up. I’ll be sure to keep you guys posted…especially if he handcuffs me to the banister or something. (If you don’t hear from me by tomorrow this time, please come looking for me!)

P.S. While I was waiting for Angry Date, I got asked out by the guy sitting next to me. Oh yeah, he’s a doctor at the Cleveland Clinic.

I’m Sorry, All Men:

I’m not sure where you’ve been getting your information, but…black eyes are not attractive, I am not a sure thing, and I don’t call back most of the time. Please don’t waste your time and money taking me for dinner, drinks, movies. All I really want to do is sit in front of the tv in my sweats and feed Chunk. Unless you come bearing gifts of chocolate covered caramels and you enjoy living vicariously though Carrie Bradshaw, we probably don’t have much in common. Also, I just got new drapes in my living room, and sitting on the floor staring at them is more enjoyable than telling you my favorite movie, song, food, vacation spot, sexual position, and color.

Am I a pessimist? No. Am I Completely Exhausted? Yes.

Please remember that I change my mind often, and I will probably call you back when you are no longer interested. Consider yourselves warned.