I love coming home on a Saturday night to my new apartment. I love it when neighbor Bob and Neighbor Bob’s Wife are throwing a party, 80’s Hits blaring. It brings back memories of the summer my family and I lived in our motorhome by the lake and all our camping neighbors had mullets, even the kids.

I went to bed to “Another One Bites the Dust” rumbling through the floor. And then, at 4:07am, I sat straight up in bed. Neighbor Bob was wailing, “Why don’t you touch me anymore?! Why do you put your f*&cking family before me?!” It was really more information than I had hoped for, even still, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. All I’m tryin’ to say, NB, is YOU DON’T HAVE ANY TEETH! Then my bed shook, and I thought maybe there was an earthquake in Ohio, but then I realized that either
1. Neighbor Bob’s drunk ass fell down
2. Neighbor Bob pushed his wife’s drunk ass down.

Dear NB & NB’S Wife,
I look forward to many weekend 80’s parties to come, and I’m hoping that next time you could wake me up at 7am…then I wouldn’t need to set my alarm. That would be rad.