Dear Neighbor Bob,

Please refrain from getting my mail for me. While I greatly appreciate the fact that you bring my newspaper to my door every morning, it makes me a little uncomfortable that you see my mail. I’m just saying that maybe I don’t want my neighbors to know about my ordering-eating-disorder-DVD’s-by-mail habit or my mountain of Final Notices from my creditors. Other than this, you have been completely delightful. I’m glad to hear that you have not lost your lighter lately.

Dear Landlord Jeff,

please, Please, PLEASE put screens in my windows! I had a terrible dream last night that I left the window open and a cat crawled in while I was sleeping. He brought his friend, Other Uninvited Cat, and they took over my apartment. I mean, they really took over the place…eating all my tuna, monopolizing the movie-watching-rotation, sleeping in my bed…it was a nightmare. I was breaking into a SWEAT! Meanwhile, my nonexistent cat (he only existed in this dream), was away on business (?) and wasn’t there to protect me. I awoke from this dream and checked to be sure all my windows were closed. All I’m saying is I would be safe from cats if screens were in the windows.

Dear Lady on the Corner of W. 143 & Parkdale,

I’m sorry I almost hit you this morning. But if you would have walked when I waved you on instead of waving me to go, I wouldn’t have driven. I mean, when someone waves–you go. That’s how the waving system works. Learn it. It could save your life.

Advertisements