Week Six

From Baby Center:

This week’s major developments: The nose, mouth, and ears that you’ll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you’d find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby’s eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil bean.

Busy Busy Busy

I spent the weekend studying.  Well, I was supposed to spend the weekend studying because I had to test out on my nursing skills yesterday.  In order to begin the final semester of nursing school, we had to test out on skills we have learned so far.  The plan was to forego my soon-to-be sister’s bachelorette party in order to study.  And I DID study…but I also slept.  A lot.  It was like someone slipped something into my drink (Tony, you didn’t, did you?).  And then yesterday…the morning sickness started.  Except it’s not really morning sickness…it’s an intermittent all day sickness that comes and goes depending on how inconvenient it is for me.  And yesterday was inconvenient.

I emailed my instructor to see if I could test out on Thursday with the other half of the class, but she informed me that it would count as my first attempt (we get 3 and then we’re out for good).  So I told her I would stick it out…and I’m glad that I did because I PASSED!  I am so glad that is out of the way!

Baby Gammalo’s heart should be beating this week, and in a few more weeks, I am going to start listening with my stethoscope to see if I can hear something!  I doubt it, but you never know!  This week I also found out that my cousin Chelsea is pregnant with a little brother or sister for Lily!  So now there are three of us pregnant and due around the same time (My cousin Stephanie is also pregnant and due 3 days before me!). 

AND..if that wasn’t enough, my brother is getting married this weekend.  I am so happy for him and I can’t even think about it really or I start to cry.  And when I get going these days, it’s kind of hard to stop.  So I’ll save it for the weekend!

Tonight…first night of lecture.  It’s going to be a long one.  I’ll have to go buy some snacks to bring along.  I can’t go very long without food…I think I am going to be humongous in eight more months – if not sooner.

Warning: I’m going to talk about my boobs now.

I didn’t really believe that I was pregnant (hence, the numerous home pregnancy tests) until a couple days ago when I was sitting at work and my bra decided to slowly stab my breasts.  You’d think I would be embarrassed when people would walk by my desk and I was tugging, pulling and maneuvering my breasts around my chest as if I was in a wrestling match with myself – but no.  I just looked up at them and said, “What.  There is something wrong with my boobs.” 

I couldn’t wait to get home so that I could take off my bra and fling it off the balcony so that the cars below could run it over repeatedly.  I didn’t expect, however, that even after I removed my bra…it would still feel like my boobs were separate entities from the rest of my body and God forbid something accidently brush up against them, you know, like THE WIND.

So in an effort to keep my sanity and my comfort, my mom and I went bra shopping last night.  And today, even though there is still some craziness going on in there (I swear there are little people inside each one having boxing matches), I feel much much better.

My first prenatal appointment is September 21, and let me tell you how far away that seems.  So far.  The nurse in the office said that I will have my first ultrasound at that time, which will be exciting because we will get to see the little one’s HEART BEAT!  I still worry that something will go wrong, but I keep trying to live in the moment and work on enjoying right now.  Even though right now I feel bloated, hungry and very angry at my breasts…I wouldn’t trade this feeling for the world.

Week 5

*The fifth week of pregnancy, or the third week after conception, marks the beginning of the embryonic period. This is when the baby’s brain, spinal cord, heart and other organs begin to form.

The embryo is now made of three layers. The top layer — the ectoderm — will give rise to your baby’s outermost layer of skin, central and peripheral nervous systems, eyes, inner ear, and many connective tissues. Your baby’s heart and a primitive circulatory system will form in the middle layer of cells — the mesoderm. This layer of cells will also serve as the foundation for your baby’s bones, muscles, kidneys and much of the reproductive system. The inner layer of cells — the endoderm — will become a simple tube lined with mucous membranes.

Your baby’s lungs, intestines and bladder will develop here. By the end of this week, your baby is likely between 1/16 and 1/8 inch (1.5 to 3 millimeters) long — about the size of the tip of a pen.

I don’t feel much different.  So far, I do not have morning sickness and I haven’t been any more tired than I usually am.  If anything, I’ve been suffering from periods of insomnia around 3am…very annoying!  My boobs are sore, and when I am hungry, I’m REALLY HUNGRY and will start to feel dizzy if I don’t eat right away.  I’m hoping the morning sickness stays away so that I don’t have to worry about puking in front of my patients this semester! 

Friday night (the day I found out) I couldn’t help myself and I just had to buy something!  So I bought a brown sleeper that is DEFINITELY for a baby girl.  On Saturday I bought another one with owls on it that was more gender-neutral (even though Tony says he wouldn’t care if we put a boy in the brown one).  If this baby is a girl, her wardrobe is certainly starting off on the right foot!

And speaking of feet!  My mom gave me these booties that she bought when she found out she was pregnant with me 31 years ago!!  SO CUTE!

I find myself talking to the baby all the time now…telling her (him) to STAY IN THERE!  I hope it’s cozy in there and she (he) snuggles in for a healthy nine months!

*info from mayoclinic.com

Spreading the News

So Friday night I met Tony at the studio and asked him if he could sneak away for an hour to go to dinner…he couldn’t.  So I asked him to come to the car for a minute and then I would write down what he wanted and bring back dinner for us both.  When he got to the car, I gave him a card that was perfectly mushy and lovey-dovey, and at the end it hinted at him being a Daddy (when I say hinted, what I mean is that it read, “I think you will be an amazing Daddy”).  He said, “Nik, I know you love me, you didn’t have to get me a card!”

“Did you READ it?”

“Yeah”

I handed him a bag, “here…open this.”  He opened the bag to find the three positive pregnancy tests and a pair of mini Chuck Taylor tennis shoes that look just like his.  He just smiled and said, “Really?!”  I nodded my head and he said again, “REALLY?!”  I nodded again….”whoa.”  But he was still smiling, so that was a good whoa…and then he said, “it’s time.  I’m ready.”  And it was perfect.

We decided to tell the band he was recording to take off for a couple hours so that we could go to my parents’ house to tell them the news.  I had written out invitations to give to them, and I couldn’t wait to see their reactions!

When we got there, I handed them to everyone and told them I wanted their opinions on a project I was doing for school.  They opened them.  There was silence.  And then my dad looked at me and asked, “is this true?!”  I said yes and then he started crying, and then my mom started screaming, and then their was laughing and tap dancing and phone calls and drinking and it was absolutely perfect.  Tony’s dad and his wife came over to celebrate, and I couldn’t help but think to myself, “oh my goodness, what if it’s not true and all these people are so happy?  What a terrible joke!”  But…it is true.

I was talking to Tony on the phone last night, and he told me that he had been thinking about our baby yesterday…and he thinks it’s a girl.  I do too.  He wants a boy and I want a girl (of course), but he said, “I’m ok with a girl…our next one can be a boy.”  How cute is my husband?  Of course we have no idea what we are having, and the truth is that it really doesn’t matter either way…but it’s fun to daydream…and we really can’t wait to know who he/she is!  We will find out the sex by Christmas…what a fun present!

I have until the end of this week to get my head out of the clouds so that I can start concentrating on my last semester of school next week.  It’s going to be tough.

Foto Friday

(I couldn’t post this Friday…but I did write it Friday!)

Tuesday when I went to the bathroom, there was some spotting…and I thought that for the first time in three months my period was finally back to its normal thirty-day cycle.  But by Tuesday night the spotting had stopped.  On Wednesday, there was nothing.  I decided to take my temperature because I wanted to know when my period would start so that it wasn’t all, “surprise!  I just stained your light grey work pants!”, but instead of going down, my temperature had gone up (a drop in temperature is a sign of declining progesterone that signals the start of menstruation).  On Thursday, there was still no period, my temperature had gone up again, I hadn’t pooped in over five days (that’s even long for ME), and I was periodically dizzy and nauseous.  That’s when I knew that the spotting had been Implantation, and that I was probably pregnant.  Everything started coming together, and I remembered that on Tuesday night I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  But even though my dreams have been eerily real in the past, I was afraid to take a pregnancy test because I didn’t want to see another negative test.

 This morning when I woke up I took my temperature again, and it had skyrocketed.  I felt fevered and like complete shit, so I peed on that dreaded stick…and this is what happened.

I immediately crossed myself and thanked God!  I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream, I just laughed!  I jumped up and down like a little girl and said, “Oh my goodness!”  and tried my best not to wake Tony.  At this point I had only peed on the digital test that read, “YES +”, so when I got to work I looked up the reviews on this test and realized that many people have taken this test and gotten false positives.  Great.  So I wouldn’t let myself believe it.  But I had stopped at the drugstore on the way to work to buy more tests because I knew I wanted to be sure, and so a couple hours later, I took the *second test…and, well…there you have it.  I have one test left, and I will probably take it in a few days just to be sure that I am still pregnant because I still can’t even believe it!  My first doctor visit is September 21^st, and my due date is April 29, 2010.  My birthday.

 God continues to bless me in so many ways…

 We put our deposit down on our trip to Mexico and decided to take a break from trying to get pregnant the day after this little bean was conceived, and Tony said immediately after I called to tell him I would need his half of the money so that my checking account wouldn’t scream, “OVERDRAWN” , “watch, we probably got pregnant last night now that we’re paying for this trip”.  And I said, “No, I doubt it…my periods have been 35-38 day cycles for the past three months…there is no way I ovulated on time all of a sudden.  No worries…we’re going to Mexico in four months!”

 I usually hate it when Tony’s right…but not this time.

 I am the only one who knows about this pregnancy and it is KILLING ME!  I want to tell someone!  I want to celebrate it and YELL IT FROM THE ROOF OF THE HOSPITAL PARKING GARAGE!  But I can’t.  Because I need to tell Tony that he is going to be a daddy before I go running my mouth…or posting it on the internet.  You hear that Tony?  You’re going to be a DADDY!  And you are going to be so wonderful at it.  I wish you were reading this right now…

 …so after work I will try to find a fun way to tell him without scaring the shit out of him…I’m a little bit nervous. 

And WOW…it still doesn’t seem like it’s really happening.

*UPDATE: when I got home I took the 3rd test but when I looked at the test, my urine stream had MISSED (I would suck at peeing if I were a man)!  So I squeezed a couple little drops out and the pregnant line STILL came out before the control line AND darker.  If that weren’t enough, I went to my cousin’s house on Saturday and she had bought some $1 tests from the Dollar Store and I took one…definitely preggo.  Definitely.

Foto Friday

My commute to work consists of driving on auto-pilot , and sometimes when I get to the office and finally sit down at my desk after clocking in, using the restroom, and making my morning tea…I think to myself, “how the hell did I get here today?  I don’t remember one thing about the drive in!”

On the morning I took this photo, I must have slept at least ten hours, because I was well-rested enough to be present during the trip downtown.  I had my camera with me, and decided as I drove down Steelyard Drive that I would look for something interesting to photograph.  On a normal day, there isn’t much to see, but I thought I might find an interesting run-down building, or maybe some  hot construction workers candid people shots, but instead I was offered graffiti…and not just some unimpressive gang symbols or unfinished works of boredom…it spoke to me.

I know you’re thinking, “Okay, Nikol.  The graffiti spoke to you?”  And now you are rolling your eyes and taking mental notes to not let me near your loved ones.  But this one word, “EXIT” reminds me that everything is a choice.  I have the choice to be present in my day, in my life, in other people’s lives…or I can exit inwards and shut down.

On the flip side, the word “EXIT” is painted on the side of a train…which makes me think of the power of the imagination.  At any moment on any given day, I have the power to exit my life and travel to anywhere I want to go.  I think some days…this exit from reality saves my life.

I just really like this word…and so I took its picture.

A wonderful life

If you were wondering whether or not Tony and I are pregnant, we are not.  I have been asked by complete strangers about five times in the past two months, which is just a testament to Chunk.  I continue to do my best to get rid of that guy, but he just won’t take the hint.

The first month we were officially “trying”, I knew when I would ovulate, and we timed our “baby-making” for that day and the few days surrounding that day.  As you know…not pregnant (after two false positive pregnancy tests which, you know, made me want to pee on the manufacturer’s FACE!).  The second month we were trying, I decided to start temping to see what all the fuss was about, as I have read on all sorts of Trying to Conceive websites and from various doctors and specialists that this is the way to get knocked up…but no.  Not pregnant.  However, my period was late last month, and there were other symptoms and strange things that my body was doing…so Tony is convinced that I was pregnant and had a very early miscarriage.  May be true…may not be true.  Regardless, we moved on to this month.

This month we decided to try a different approach.  I am not even looking at the calendar, I have no idea when I will be ovulating (although my body will tell me because I can always feel it happening), and I have no clue when my period is due.  I’m hoping that this will relieve some of the stress that comes with the territory, and just maybe this will be our month.  (However, we are in the beginning stages of planning our delayed Honeymoon for January…and part of me would love to be thin and drunk during those seven days!)

Truthfully, it gets increasingly difficult to be surrounded by family and friends with their children, and every time I hear someone else’s “big news” I am elated for them…but I can’t help but wince; it’s a blow that knocks the wind right out of me - and every time it happens, I hope no one notices.  I love the women in my life who have been blessed with families, and I love those little ones more than I can express.  It’s not a case of jealousy in the least…everyone has their own path to walk, and each path has it’s own blessings and obstacles.  I wouldn’t wish anything different for my life because I am truly blessed, and I want this happiness that I feel for all the people I love.  And sometimes I feel ungrateful for wanting more because when is enough really enough?  But I do want more, so I won’t lie about it.  And what if just by wanting more, I have to give up something in return?  What if it’s some sort of trade-off?  What if by being blessed with a child, something awful has to happen?  

It may sound ridiculous to some, but I feel like I am pushing my luck sometimes.  And so I am working really hard these days to be content with life the way it is.  If we never get pregnant, will I be disappointed?  Of course.  But maybe that is the plan for me, and for the first time in my life, maybe this is a boat I shouldn’t rock…

Tonight?  I’m just going to have fun with my husband in our adorable apartment and thank God for everything between my conception and right now.  It’s been quite the adventure.

Foto Friday

Tony’s mom is in town this week, and last night we kidnapped her and took her to a Japanese Steakhouse for dinner.  It was her first Hibachi experience…which is always fun to watch. 

This is a photo of my filet!  It was just as bit as juicy and flavorful as it looks.  I’m making you hungry, aren’t I…

Reason #1 I don’t worry about him cheating on me

Tony and I share the same wardrobe.  Now before you get all creeped out, you have to understand some things about my husband:

1.  He is not opposed to dressing in drag if it means people will pay more attention to him

2.  He will wear anything if it means he doesn’t have to walk  the three extra steps it takes to get what he really wants to wear out of his closet.

The other day, he had asked me where I put his shoes (in the closet) and where my black flip flops were (because he refuses to buy his own).  I don’t think it would have mattered what my answer was to either question, because he came out of the bedroom giggling like a little girl wearing these.  And then he wore them to the studio to record.  To record people.

He called me about three minutes after he walked out the front door to tell me that on his way out of the building, he ran into the Hot Girl With The Longest Legs In The World.  And the first thing she did when their paths crossed was….look at his shoes.